How to Make a Million Pounds in One Day

I was in the middle of giving a lecture on how to make a million dollars in one day, when a woman in the back of the audience stood up and walked out. It was a bad sign for me, as this was usually the start of a mass exodus during my speaking engagements. You see, the only way I know to make a million dollars in a day is to get a million people to come hear me speak and charge them a pound each. So far, I have lured 58 people in one day, which is much less than I need.

When I speak, I usually go on for hours about subjects not related to getting rich. I always tell people to buy short term car insurance, for example and then I spend an hour or two discussing short term car insurance. One time I spent over 4 hours talking about my favourite breakfast. The people finally started filing out of the hall and I was barely able to get home in time for dinner. Once, when an audience member got fed up and said I didn’t know how to make a million pounds, I told him to buy a lottery ticket. The crowd booed and left.

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One Sunday morning, I arrived to my speaking hall and the parking lot was full of cars! There weren’t a million of them, but there were several hundred and I was excited to give my lecture. I walked in and everyone had their heads bowed in reverence to me. I found this very touching and quietly walked to the front and stood behind the microphone. I grasped the mike with both hands and yelled, “Who wants to make a million pounds?” Everyone looked up, but no one said a word. Then 2 men in robes came from behind me and carried me off the stage. It turns out I had come on the wrong day and I walked into a prayer meeting by accident. I apologized to everyone and told them to come back tomorrow and I would make them rich. The priest told me something very un-priestly and I went home.

Sometimes it’s not easy motivating average people to greatness. Other than buying short term car insurance, I don’t think they are capable of making good decisions. One man came to my lecture with a pet monkey on his head. I asked him to remove the monkey while I spoke and he just took it off and placed it on the head of the woman next to him. She screamed and slapped the man, causing the monkey to become upset. The monkey charged toward me at the podium and I was barely able to escape with my life. After I washed the blood off my face and clothes, I didn't want to lose my nerve so I went right back on stage and told everyone to buy short term car insurance instead of wasting their money on yearly policies they didn't need. Sometimes you just have to be brave in this troubled world.

Copyright Peter Moore 2010